i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
