finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
