I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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