got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Randomize
