i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
