Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
