my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
