He uses pillows to masturbate.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
