he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
