So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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