Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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