I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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