Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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