White coat. Heels.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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