Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
