I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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