he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
