I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I understand Curling. That high.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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