sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
