I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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