He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
my poor anus
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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