ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize