I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
