I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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