My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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