You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
