God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
ugly people sure do ruin things
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
