Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
