dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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