my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
