Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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