I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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