I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
