i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
