Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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