if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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