my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
