Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
