All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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