Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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