I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
