My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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