oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
