They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
