Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
