Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
