My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
