On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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