good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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