He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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