You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
