it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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