i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
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i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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