It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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