I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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