he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i now understand why vodka
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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